


New Beginnings

by DisasterLesbean



Category: The Haunting of Hill House (2018), The Haunting of Hill House (TV), The Haunting of Hill House - Shirley Jackson
Genre: After Hill house 1x10, F/F, but before the epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 18:23:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16351787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterLesbean/pseuds/DisasterLesbean
Summary: Did it take away their grief? Because grief is all I have.





	New Beginnings

There were so many unspoken things in this family. Dad’s lingering silence on that night. Luke’s addiction. Nell’s depression. The way that I know they all know.

Steve had a pass as he wouldn’t even believe the things he experienced. He had his head so far up his own ass I didn’t expect him to acknowledge it. Nell knew. Nell was the only one who really talked about it, who I felt I could talk to about it. She was respectful about it. Until that last time. God. That tears me apart. I should have known she wasn’t okay, I should have known she was spiralling. Nell never would have been so aggressive with me, never would have violated my space. We all make fun of Shirley’s space but just as we are all aware of of hers they were aware of my own space. Don’t touch me. I don’t know how many times I’ve said it, how many times they’ve heard it. Don’t touch me.

When Nell grabbed me, I should have known. I got caught up in the fight, the words tossed between us, rather than what it meant. That breaking of barriers and boundaries Nell hadn’t broken before. I threw the mess of the apartment in her face, weaponized the ghosts that haunted Nell and tore into her using them. Nell bit right back. 

I should have known. I should have done better. I was the psychologist for chrissake. I knew the doctor she was seeing was shit. I knew and did nothing. We’d tell ourselves “it’s just Nell being Nell” and when did that become an excuse? Nell tried to absolve us all in the red room and the others ate it up. That absolution. If she forgave us then its okay that we killed her.

I took another shot at that.

Steve’s marriage is fixed, Luke is sticking to sobriety, and Shirley’s being Shirley. Suddenly it’s all okay. Their demons are fixed and gone. The house that fucked them up so long ago cured them of their particular disease. 

Did it take away their grief? Because grief is all I have. 

Grief over Mom. 

Steve told us the truth of that night and what had happened. The house made Mom so crazy she killed a kid and would have killed Nell and Luke if Dad hadn’t stopped her. She killed herself. Or the house did. I’m not so sure on that. I don’t think even Mom knows. Her mind fragmented into so many pieces. Divvied up to the ghosts who laid claim, the house that demanded its sacrifice, and the children she was so desperate to save. 

Grief over Dad. 

Dad who was always trying to protect us, even if he went about it wrong. What is right in a situation like that? What would I have done? I’m not sure. I’m glad it wasn’t my decision. We were dealt a different deck of cards and Dad just got a bad shuffle. A dead wife, a dead daughter, and fuck ups for kids. A house that ate at us for weeks, for decades. Taking pieces of all of us. The man talked to himself, he wasn’t in any form okay. He tried then he died.

Grief, so much grief, over Nell. 

Another shot.

They all want to ride off into the sunset and I can’t. I can’t. I won’t. They died. Mom, Dad, Nell. They all died because of that house. They died because of us. I should have known. I should have picked up on it.

I’m going in circles. Did Nell feel like she was going in circles? Get better, relapse, get a new drug, relapse, find the perfect man, lose the perfect man, relapse. Her relapses weren’t like Luke’s. Luke’s came with blown pupils, sweats, and shakes. Stolen items and broken promises. Hers were quieter. A distance in her gaze when she’d see them again, the bent-neck lady and who knows what else. Sometimes she would get more destructive like at Steve’s talk or our fight but that was very rare. It was her disappearing, pulling away. Sparse texts and excuses. 

Someone was knocking at my door. Was it actually someone or was it another phantom banging? If I’m to stand and stumble my way over, will I too join our family on the other side?

“Theo, open up.” I heard Shirley’s muffled voice come across from behind the door. Guess it’s real then.

“What? I’m busy.” I tell her as soon as the door swings open.

“Getting drunk again?” Shirley scoffs with no attempt to hide the judgement. 

“I don’t have work tomorrow.” I shrugged in response. 

“Theo…” Somehow she had a way of saying my name that would make me want to look down at my feet. It was years of missing parents and only one aunt who had to work. Shirley and Steve did their best to help raise us. I tried to keep to myself to make the burden easier on them all, to make sure Nell and Luke got the support they needed. They needed it, even young I knew that. The way they’d wake to whimpers and screams. They got the worst of it. There was no doubting this. We all had it bad but none less then the pair. They were so young. “Let’s sit.” Shirley’s voice broke me out of my brooding once again. 

I gestured grandly at my bed where she sat down gingerly beside me. When she turned her hand over it was clearly an invitation, a question. I answered by taking my gloves off. I hesitated before touching her but at her daring look I took the last step.

Grief, guilt, fear, relief, resolution it all hit me like a train. It burned through my hands and rattled around my head. I could feel it all. She felt just as gutted as I did only there was something else. A certainty, a determination I don’t have.

“Oh.” I say dumbly. I should have known it wasn’t so easy for the others either but I’m drunk and not quite all there right now. 

“We can’t wallow.” Shirley swallowed harshly, looking at me then away quickly. We hadn’t really talked since the field, since Hill house. Hadn’t addressed all I said and she said, all that happened between us. “That’s why we’re all trying. Steve’s trying with Leigh, Luke’s really sticking with it, and I...I came clean to Kevin.” Shirley admitted looking away again. 

The guilt became clearer, making itself known over the grief and fear. A man in a bar, years ago. “Oh.” I say again because what else am I supposed to say. That it’s okay, that I don’t think less of her, that I get why she was so pissed at me? No, she already knows all of that.

“Yeah.” Shirley sighs. It’s a sad sound, small and tired. I’ve missed a sound like that. Sad without the shadow of death. Sad without being broken. I took my hand back so we could actually have a conversation instead of picking everything up off her.

“Kevin take it okay?” I ask, setting aside the alcohol that’s now out of place.

“Surprisingly. He was upset, as he deserves to be, but he’s willing to work through it.” Shirley nodded. “That’s not why I’m here though.” She added, prodding me.

“I’m not taking it well.” I roughly laugh. No point in pretending. I’m drunk and alone in my room at my sister’s. 

“None of us are. You gotta just keep going.” Shirley wrapped an arm around me, careful not to touch skin. Tight, like she knows I need after avoiding so much touch.

“I am. I go to work, I keep living, and look I haven’t even sold out family secrets to cope!” I protest. She gives a weak chuckle at the prod towards Steven.

“No, you only profit off it.” She digs, tone joking but a definite bite underneath. A fight waiting to reemerge. “Being alive isn’t living, Theo. Haven’t we proven that enough?” She barrels on, leaving the minefield where it lay. I never thought I’d see the day where she’d let a fight rest.

“What do you suggest then?” I sigh, the alcohol leaving my system too quick and the bed becoming more alluring.

“Find something that makes you happy. Something that isn’t work or alcohol.” Shirley says. I slam down onto the bed covering my face with my hands and groaning. This day is too much, this fucking lifetime really. “I know.” Shirley sighs sympathetically laying down next to me.

I dream of a smile too wide, a red door, a noose.

I wake up with a stuffy mouth, dehydrating beyond belief with a throbbing in my head. I groan and bury my face into my pillows to cut out the light. I reach around for my phone pulling it towards me accidently jostling Shirley who must have stayed last night and receive an elbow to my side for it. I click the phone on only to immediately regret it at the burning brightness. Once my eyes clear I see emails from work an a few scattered texts, only one stands out.

Trish (11:48 PM): Can I see you again?

I don’t have a clue why she’d want to see me again. I’d been an asshole to her on several occasions. I suppose she has her own demons and baggage but I still don’t see why she’d go through the hassle. If I were in her shoes I’d run the other way. 

I had no issue with her, in fact I actually liked her. I just have no interest in anything long term. Too many complications. Having to worry about constant touching and no real way to give a plausible explanation. The entire fucked up history of Hill house and my family. 

“Just tell her yes.” Shirley mumbled from next to me, eyes squinting at her phone. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at her lack of tact.

Theodora (7:03 AM): Are you free today?

Trish (7:05 AM): For you? Absolutely ;)

Theodora (7:06 AM): Coffee? 

When Trish texted her affirmation I sent the address and groaned one last time before I swung my legs out of bed. I’d have enough time to shower and get ready before meeting up with her.

“Look at you, seeing a girl in the light of day.” Shirley teased, apparently awake enough to do so now.

“We’ll see how it goes. Try not to get your hopes up, pussy parade had a certain ring to it.” I winked at Shirley before stumbling into the bathroom to swallow a few advil and get ready.

On the drive over I wondered if this was a good idea. She could ask any number of questions that I’d be completely unprepared to answer. I can’t talk about family or Hill house. I can’t. It’s a path too worn in my mind and it makes me dizzy having to think about it let alone talking about it again.

When I got there Trish was already sitting down at a table scrolling her phone with a drink already on the table. She looked up and made eye contact, an easy smile finding its way to her lips. She waved with her fingers and I waved back, nodding my head towards the line. I was quick to get my drink and walk over to her. She stood up when I came over and gave me a hug, no skin contact, before sitting again. 

“You okay?” She asked worriedly. Given, I understood why she’d ask but last time she’d seen me had been Nell’s wake but I didn’t want to talk about that. 

“I’m good, rather not talk about it.” I answered.

“Small talk then? Sure you won’t kick me out this time?” Trish’s laughed lightly.

“That’s fair.” I tapped my coffee a few times awkwardly. “I uh, am sorry about that.” I cleared my throat.

“All good. You’re just lucky you’re hot.” She teased and got the laugh she was looking for.

“So, sociology?”


End file.
